More Moments from Dating Self-Help Books that Make Me Want to Scream

I imagine if feminist scholars were all polled that an overwhelming majority of them would reveal that the topics they choose to focus on in their research are somehow connected to things that make them really, really angry.  A good portion of my feminist media analysis as of late has had ties to the self-help genre and I haven’t always understood why.  I never read self-help texts myself but suddenly the phenomenon began interesting me.  And as I started researching them, and inadvertently reading them for both my research and for myself, I found myself having a love-hate relationship with them.  While I understand the Siren song that they are – promising a solution to all that ails their readers – I rarely find them helpful or comforting.  In fact, 99% of the time they just make me angry.

In a previous post I wrote about how the self-help craze is seeping into mainstream entertainment productions, particularly Hollywood romantic comedies.  In order to study more of these cross-over narratives (self-help-books-gone-film), I watched Tim Story’s Think Like a Man (2012) and read the book that inspired it, Steve Harvey’s Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man (2009).   While there are things to rant about in the film (although no more than the average romantic comedy really), I’d like to focus just on a few parts of the book that really got me fired up.

Like most dating self-help books, this one is extremely essentialist – it sells a narrative that there is a one-size-fits-all way to understand men (because, apparently, all men are exactly the same).  Similarly, it portrays women as all the same… or at least in want of the same thing:  a man to marry.

One could probably get the gist of a self-help book by just skimming its table of contents alone.  So I’ll save you the trouble and relay the highlights here.  Here are the section headers that reveal the topic coverage within this book:

 

·         What Drives Men

·         Our Love Isn’t Like Your Love

·         The Three Things Every Man Needs:  Support, Loyalty, and the Cookie

·         “We Need to Talk,” and Other Words that Make Men Run for Cover

·         “First Things First:  He Wants to Sleep with You”

·          Sports Fish vs. Keepers:  How men Distinguish between the Marrying Types and the Playthings

·         Mama’s Boys

·         Why Men Cheat

·         Men Respect Standards – Get Some

·         The Five Questions Every Women Should Ask before She Gets in Too Deep

·         The Ninety-Day Rule:  Getting the Respect you Deserve

·          If He’s Meeting the Kids After You Decide He’s “the One,” It’s too Late

·          Strong, Independent – and Lonely – Women

·         How to Get the Ring

·         Quick Answers to the Questions You’ve Always Wanted to Ask

I could easily pull quotes from any of these sections to critique, specifically the parts about how men need “the cookie” (sex).   But it was the last section, “Quick Answers to the Questions You’ve Always Wanted to Ask” that really irked me.   Was it because it was at the end of the book and I had finally had enough?  Possibly.  But more so it was because these were NOT questions I had always wanted to ask.  In fact, I found the fact that Harvey thought most women wanted to ask these questions insulting.  So in order to cope with my rage I’m including just a few of these questions here with my snarky asides.  (It’s like having a sneak peak into my mind as I was reading!)

·         Q:  How do men feel about plastic surgery, weaves, colored contacts, fake nails, et cetera?  A:  “For the average man, whatever you’re doing to make yourself look beautiful while you’re hanging on his arm is cool by him.”  (Me:  Oh, great, one more reason to look into Botox and Lipo.  Glad to see we’re reinforcing media beauty standards here).

·         Q:  What do men think of their women when they gain weight, or look different than they did in the beginning of the relationship?  A:  “A man who loves you is going to love you regardless.”  (Me:  That’s swell, Steve.  Why don’t women get asked if they’ll still love their men once they go bald and develop beer guts?)

·         Q:  “Do men prefer women in flats or heels?  A:” “Heels, baby. Heels.”   (Me:  Really, this is a question all women have been dying to ask?  How to accessorize to best attract a man?)

·          Q:  Would a man date a dumb woman?  A:  “A smart man can’t date a dumb woman.  But he can use a dumb woman.”  (Me:  Lovely.  And is it just me or does this imply that a smart woman could date a dumb man?)

·         Q:  How do men feel about women who ask for money?  (Me:  Way to go, Harvey.  Reinforcing the image of woman-as-gold-digger).

·         Q:  Would men help their women build her business?  (Me:  Is it impossible for a woman to have ambitious goals without turning to her man for support?)

·          Q:  Do you mind if your woman doesn’t work?  A:  Not at all.  (Me:  Surprise, surprise. After all, that’s the way it really should be, right?)

·          Q:  How do men really feel about women drivers?  (Me: Can we squeeze anymore gender stereotypes into this Q & A session?) 

·         Q:  How do you feel about a woman who does not want your last name after marriage?  A:  Most men have a problem with that… A man needs to know you’re as committed to this family as you are to your old one.  You can hyphenate it if you want to, but that last name really needs to be the same as your man’s.  (Me:  Well, gee, if you say so.  I’ll just head off to the DMV and Secretary of State right now to jump on that paperwork).

·         Q:  Are men okay with their women having male friends?  (Me:  I don’t care if they are.  What century is this again?).

·         Q:  How do men feel about gossip?  (Me:  Sigh.  I’m getting bored with pointing out the gender stereotypes here).

·         Q:  How do men feel about the way a woman keeps her house?  (Me:  AHHHHHH!)

I don’t know if I really have a point in writing this post other than to make it obvious that I think that books like these are extremely problematic.  So, if in between reading blogs on popular culture you were thinking of skimming the self-help aisle for relationship advice, I urge you to reconsider.  Or, at least not check out this particular text!